The Quest for Jagermin's
by Mongoose Dog Kami
Summary: Damien is sent on an errand by his father, and he finds himself bringing Pip along to help out. But when a simple errand turns into something much more chaotic than just a simple errand, Damien starts to wonder if it's all really worth it.
1. The Quest Begins

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park. (My disclaimers used to be a lot more clever than this, but… meh.)

Notes: Wow. I have posted a fanfic on this is what I like to call "a miracle". Um… yeah… that's all, I guess. D:

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The date was June 6th, 2006. Pip Pirrup should have seen _it_ coming, but the importance of the date had failed to cross his mind, and he just wasn't expecting _it_.

As a fiery hole opened up in his bedroom floor at 6:00 in the morning, Pip found himself wondering what the meaning of all this was. It should have seemed odd, but it didn't. Everyone in South Park was used to such unusual things happening that a flaming pit suddenly appearing in the floor was but a mere speck in the grand scale of all things.

Pip sat up in his bed, staring. The hole seemed to be so deep that it could have reached the most abysmal chasms of Hell.

What Pip didn't know was that it actually did reach Hell... the seventh layer, to be exact.

A dark figure began to rise from the flames, and Pip was not surprised to see the glint of a distinctive pair of red eyes.

Damien Thorne had returned.

It had just so happened that he had spawned in the middle of Pip's bedroom.

The hole closed, and Damien looked around the room awkwardly at the various posters and furniture, realizing that he was not outside, by Stark's Pond, where he had been meaning to appear. "Um..."

"Hello, Damien," Pip said, almost passively, in that unfortunately adorable British accent, smiling in a friendly way at the hellspawn. That was Pip, always amicable, even if you broke (or in this case, materialized) into his bedroom at 6:00 in the morning.

"Hi, Pip." Damien was still trying to figure out how he had ended up in Pip's bedroom. _Do I really have such bad aim?_

Pip jumped up out of his bed, and Damien tried hard not to laugh at the sight of Pip in his pajamas, a baggy Terrance and Phillip t-shirt and his red boxers. There was nothing wrong with them, really, it was just such a casual outfit compared to his usual school clothes that it was somehow funny. It didn't look right on Pip.

For a moment, Damien was afraid Pip was about to tackle him in glee or something as he walked nearer, but he stopped about a foot away from Damien, still smiling, rocking back and forth on his feet with his hands behind his back as if he were a young girl. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Here?" Damien looked around the room again. "I didn't mean to come here. I was supposed to show up at Stark's Pond."

"Oh. I suppose you must have missed," Pip replied, running over to his bed and jumping back onto it to pull up the blinds on the window. He pointed outside. "Stark's Pond is just down the street from here. But why were you trying to go there?"

"Dad sent me up to get him some Jagermin's S'more-flavored schnapps," Damien answered. Satan was always making him do stupid stuff, but this was just ridiculous. _Couldn't he get it himself?_

"Ah. So it's just coincidence that you're here on 6/6/06 at 6 o'clock in the morning, then?" Damien looked at Pip's alarm clock, apparently not having realized the date and time. He wondered whether his father knew or not, but didn't say anything about it aloud.

Pip continued, deciding not to wait for an answer. "I think we have a bottle of Jagermin's S'more in the liquor cabinet downstairs, if that would be easier since you're already here," Pip offered, but Damien shook his head. "I should get him a new bottle. I have no reason to steal yours. Where's the nearest liquor store?"

Pip thought about this for a moment. "I think there's one somewhere near Tom's Rhinoplasty in the main part of town, but I'm not positive about that..."

Damien sighed. He had no clue where Tom's Rhinoplasty was, let alone the main part of town. It had just been too long since he'd been there. Part of him was now thankful he had wound up in Pip's room, because otherwise he would have been left to wander around aimlessly looking for the store on his own.

"I don't know where any of those things are," Damien admitted, immediately feeling stupid, but Pip didn't seem to care. "Could you just give me directions or something?"

"Are you sure you don't want our bottle?" Pip asked again, never having been one to give very good directions. Damien considered idly that Pip may have just wanted to be annoying, or that, maybe, Pip didn't want him to leave. He was sure Pip was just trying to be nice, as usual, but one couldn't help but wonder.

"No, I don't," Damien answered in a finalized way. He was about to tell Pip to just write him some goddamn directions already when he noticed that Pip was over at his dresser, pulling a pair of pants out of a drawer. He quickly pulled them on, grabbed his distinctive hat off the top of the dresser and put it on his head, then turned to look at Damien. "Let's go, then."

He gave Pip an odd look. "Who said you were coming?"

"I can't write directions worth a pig's arse," he explained. "If you insist on actually going to the liquor store, I'm going to have to just show you the way, unless you're in the mood to stumble around looking for it by yourself." Damien had, as was said before, already admitted to himself that that was exactly what he didn't want to do, so he gave in and let Pip lead him downstairs and out the front door, and they began their trek into town.

"You're lucky that Principal Victoria canceled school for today," Pip stated, trying to strike up a conversation to break the tense silence between them as they walked along the road. "If she hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to help you."

Damien's eyebrow quirked. "Why did she cancel school?"

"Well, with the strange things that happen here so often, the parents and teachers are paranoid about having school on 6/6/06. I don't know if they thought you were going to come back and cause problems or something..." Pip tried not to let on that he had secretly been hoping Damien would come back, for he was in desperate need of a friend... and Damien was the closest thing to a friend he had ever had. He was still relentlessly picked on by the other kids, and all he knew how to do in response was be kind and hope that someday he would be accepted. He had been living in South Park for eight years now, though, and he was still being tormented (though they finally seemed to have caught on that he was, in fact, British, and not French), so their additudes toward him didn't seem likely to change.

For now, he ignored these pent-up emotions and went on talking to Damien. "But you _did_ come back, albeit for much different reasons." He giggled at the irony of the situation, and Damien glared darkly at him, annoyed. "It's not my fault my dad makes me do stupid things. It's like that's all he created me for, to run errands for him because he's too lazy."

"Created?" Pip had never bothered to think about how Damien had been born. He had unknowingly assumed, not knowing that Satan was actually gay, that he had some kind of Hell-queen who had given birth to Damien. It didn't occur to him that demons were typically conjured up.

"Yeah, my dad basically spawned me," Damien explained. "You didn't know that?"

"No," Pip responded simply. They were now walking past Stark's Pond, and he glanced at it, admiring the sight of it in the early morning, when it was still somewhat dark out and the moon still hung in the sky, but the sun was slowly coming up in the opposite direction of it, giving off just enough light to make everything visible.

The quiet was becoming uncomfortable again, and this time it was Damien who spoke up. "How soon will we be there?"

"We're pretty close," Pip answered. "See? Town's right there." He pointed at the cluster of buildings down the road. "Let's hope they're open. It's a little early..."

"They better be open," Damien grumbled. "If I come back and don't have the booze, my dad's don't going to be very happy."

"They probably will be," Pip assured him. "Most places in this town are open 24/7, since no one ever knows if or when someone might stumble into town. We get a lot of odd visitors."

As if on cue, a UFO, which apparently had been hidden under some sort of cloaking device, revealed itself above them, shining its lights.

They looked up at the spacecraft, the bright light stinging their eyes and making them water.

"Great," Damien remarked sarcastically as he shielded his eyes. "_Visitors_." He could only hope that these unwelcome visitors wouldn't interfere with his trip to the liquor store.

Unfortunately for him, they planned on doing just that, and not a second later, Pip and Damien were beamed up into the ship.


	2. Chocolate Snack Delight

Disclaimer: Don't own South Paaaaaaaaaaaark!

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Pip blinked, confused. Suddenly, he was in another place. He looked to the left, wondering where Damien was. He saw nothing but a curved wall lined with lots of computers and mysterious buttons and switches. He looked to the right, and there was Damien, sitting there next to him, looking around and seeming just as confused as Pip.

"Damien," he asked, trying to catch his attention. Damien glanced at him, and he took this as a hint to continue. "Do you suppose we're inside the spaceship?"

"Yeah," Damien said, "where else could we be? The last thing I remember, we were standing on the road, and then the UFO showed up, and then we weren't on the road anymore, so I don't know what other possible explanation there is."

There was an odd sound behind them. Damien automatically turned around to see what it was, and was greeted with the sight of several visitors. "Oh, that is just not cool."

"What?" Pip asked, and turned around to look. His expression faltered as he spotted the visitors staring at them intently. "Oh. Um, hello."

"Pip, don't talk to them!" Damien warned him.

"Well, what else am I supposed to do?" Pip asked.

"They probably won't even understand what you're saying," Damien retorted, when he was interrupted by one of the visitors grabbing him. "_Hey_!"

Pip stood up defensively, helplessly watching the visitors drag Damien away to the other side of the ship and towards some sort of chair, not sure what to do. "Let him go!"

Damien wrestled with the visitors, trying to get out of their grasp, but it proved to be useless. They set him in the chair and strapped him in. "What are you doing?!" he yelled at them.

Pip could only watch as the visitors backed off and the floor in front of the chair flipped over to reveal a table.

_A table?!_

A visitor wearing a chef's hat and apron came forward with a plate of what appeared to be a normal piece of chocolate cake, and a fork. It set the plate on the table, then used the fork to cut out a bite-sized piece from the cake. It held the cake by Damien's mouth. Damien stared down at the fork, refusing to open his mouth for fear of the cake being poisoned. The visitor pushed the cake against Damien's lips, trying to convince him to eat it. Pip, meanwhile, was completely baffled by the situation. Why was a visitor trying to feed Damien chocolate cake?

They were both surprised when the visitor began to speak, seemingly without a mouth. Its voice was warbled and alienlike in a cliché sort of way. "Please, human. Try my chocolate snack delight."

Damien kept his mouth tightly shut, and shook his head "no" in protest. There was no way in hell he was eating it.

"Please," the visitor begged. "It is safe. I only want to know if my baking is awesome."

Damien shook his head once more, and the visitor made a sound that seemed to be a sigh, then began to sulk. "I am not trying to hurt you, human. It is just chocolate snack delight."

It was at this moment that Damien realized that even if he did get poisioned, he would only get sick for a while. He had forgotten, momentarily, that his father had made him incapable of dying. And so, feeling foolish as he did so, he opened his mouth like a baby being fed by its mother. The visitor jumped back up from sulking in a flash of happiness, and put the cake in Damien's mouth.

Pip, still standing helplessly in one place and watching, immediately began to worry. He, of course, was not aware that Damien could not die, and so his natural first reaction was to panic. He managed to keep his mouth shut, though his worry was apparent in his face. Damien tried to give Pip a look to let him know it was okay, but it was difficult to pull that off as he was swallowing the piece of cake.

He finished, and pondered the cake for a moment. It actually didn't taste too bad, and he felt fine, so it didn't seem like it had been poisoned. The visitor looked on in anticipation, waiting for a response.

"It's pretty good," Damien said finally, "but I think you should make the frosting a little sweeter next time."

The visitor jumped up, apparently satisfied with this critique, and the other visitors began to file back in, releasing Damien from the chair. "Thank you, human, thank you!" The table flipped back underneath the floor.

Damien stood up and stretched. They were getting out of there, and that was all that mattered. Pip ran over to him when he felt it was safe, and with that concerned look still plastered on his face, asked, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Damien answered, smiling in a satisfied way. "As far as I can tell, it wasn't poisoned or drugged. And even if it was, I'll only get sick since I can't die."

"Oh. I wish I had known that sooner."

Damien turned to the visitors, who looked as if they were setting up to beam Pip and Damien back down. "By the way, I'm not a human. I'm a demon. Remember that next time." He recieved a bunch of unintelligible alien chatter in response, and they were beamed back down into the street.

Pip blinked, once again not used to the feeling of being beamed from one place to another so suddenly. Damien said, "Well, that was stupid," and began to walk off towards town again. Pip blinked a few more times, trying to snap back to reality, and then ran to catch up with Damien.

"Are you sure you're all right?" he asked. Even _if_ Damien couldn't die, he still didn't want him to get sick. They had only been together for about an hour now, and already he was thinking of Damien as his best friend again. He figured Damien probably didn't feel quite the same, but he would worry about that later. For now he was nervous about the possibility of Damien becoming ill.

"I'm fine, Pip, stop asking," Damien replied. A small part of him wanted to laugh at how damn _cute_ Pip was being, worrying about him like that.

_Wait... cute?! Hey! What the hell is wrong with me?_

Damien decided that this thought was merely something in the cake messing with his usual mindset, and proceeded to ignore it.

It was then that they found themselves outside the door to the liquor shop. Damien pushed the door open, absentmindedly holding it open for Pip, and they entered the store. They started going down the small aisles, looking for the section of the shelves that held the schnapps. Pip was the first to spot it on the bottom shelf, and he kneeled down, searching for a bottle of Jagermin's S'mores. Damien followed suit, and soon, they had grabbed a bottle and brought it up to the register.

The man behind the counter rang it up, but then there was a problem.

He asked, "May I see your I.D.?"

Damien reached his hands into his pockets, finally finding a wallet in his back pocket. He opened it and thumbed through the various fake credit cards and membership cards that his father had created for his use, and ran across an I.D. card with his picture and name on it.

Unfortunately, it said he was 17.

He really _was_ 17, but 17-year-olds couldn't buy liquor, and this posed a problem. Pip stared over Damien's shoulder at the I.D., equally worried.

Damien looked at Pip, his eyes silently asking, "Run for it?"

Pip nodded, and they took off out the front door of the little shop, running down the street, up to Stark's Pond. When they felt they had run far enough, they stopped and ducked behind some trees. Pip was giggling, not only because he was nervous, but because he had found an odd sort of thrill in running away from possible trouble. Damien sighed and rolled his eyes. "Apparently, my dad forgot that you have to be 21 to purchase alcohol up here."

Pip laughed. "What are we going to do?"

"I'm going to have to go back home and tell him that either he's going to get it himself, or he's going to make me a new fake I.D. that lies about my age."

"I'll come with you," Pip offered, evidently not thinking about the fact that to Damien, "home" was Hell.

"I don't know," Damien said. "I think you'd be better off staying here and waiting while I went and told him..."

"But I'm cold!" Pip complained, hugging himself. He had neglected to get a jacket of any sort before they left, figuring they wouldn't be out for long.

Of course, he didn't expect any of this to happen.

"Well..."

Damien thought about this for a moment, and came to the conclusion that it most likely wouldn't really hurt anything if Pip came along. "Okay."

"Turrah!" Pip cried, and this time, he actually did tackle Damien, giving him a thankful hug. Damien pushed him off, and although inwardly he didn't mind, he pretended that he did, and mumbled an excuse about needing to leave.

Damien closed his eyes, seeming to concentrate hard on something. Pip dare not disturb him, instinctively knowing somehow that it was important to leave him alone for the moment.

Another flaming pit, identical to the one Damien came out of in the first place, opened in the ground near them. Damien opened his eyes and smirked.

"Ready?"

Pip nodded. "I guess so."

And with that, Damien grabbed Pip's hand and they jumped into the fire.

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Notes: I'm going to write the next chapter sometime after Halloween. I'm really busy right now. D:


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